Dear Senator Larry Craig,
Whew, thank God you're not gay. I can't tell you how relieved my friends and I were to see your repeated and vociferous denials of being even just a tiny bit gay after the arrest and guilty plea for the incident in the airport men's room. Finding out that you are just a "naughty boy" who enjoys anonymous encounters but that you in no way intend to sully the gay community with your behavior was good news.
As I'm sure you're well aware and my gay male friends tell me, usually men seeking anonymous sex in public places identify as heterosexual and married and are trying to hide their activity from a spouse, just like you. Which reminds me, have you had an HIV/AIDS test recently? You might want to think about it. I'm just sayin'. People have also asked me why we don't hear about women participating in this kind of activity, and I'll tell you what I tell them. A few probably do but for the most part it's a matter of logistics and physics. The logistics of trying to arrange an encounter in a restroom stall is a little daunting for women. For one thing, as you may or may not be aware, most women expect some cuddling. A restroom stall just isn't conducive to cuddling. Also it's usually not prudent to tie up a stall when a whole cadre of angry women with near-bursting bladders are waiting.
Larry...oh, can I call you Larry? I feel like I've learned so much about you since my last letter, the one urging you to support the Matthew Shepard Act. If you'll recall you responded in part by saying, "Hate crimes legislation is aimed at expanding those protections to cover assaults motivated by biases against other characteristics, such as sexual preference." That sentence in itself is evidence that you are not gay. Any self-respecting gay man would not have referred to his orientation as a preference.
And Larry, everyone knows that any self-respecting gay man would have admitted his indiscretions and immediately resigned once they became scandalous, like former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy. But you and I both know that you are no self-respecting gay man. That should be obvious to anyone with the Google and just a few hours on the internets.
BTW do you and your Senate buddies joke about the president's screw-ups like the rest of us? Oh and when you hang out with the pres does he prefer being called "the deciderer" or "the commander guy?" Just curious. If you can't say, I totally understand. I don't want you to get in trouble for revealing state secrets.
Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, the things you can find on the internets. No self-respecting gay man would have voted repeatedly to keep gays and lesbians from serving in the armed forces. Talk about your witch hunts. You and I should have coffee sometime.
Then there's your repeated votes against including sexual orientation in federal employment, housing, hate-crimes and other non-discrimination statutes. There's your votes to keep the gays from getting married or forming civil unions; in fact you supported enshrining that in both the federal and Idaho constitution. That's definitely not something any self-respecting gay man would have done.
Larry, you've got a long and distinguished record of voting against gay rights issues. For most people, that would be proof of your lack of gayness. However, many will still require convincing. I recommend that you continue your current course of action — loud, strenuous denial. And by all means, don't resign. That would relegate you to late-night joke fodder for years to come.
Thanks again for strenuously denying your gayness and refusing to sully the LGBT community with your behavior.
MountainGoat and friends